Delivery Diaries: The Podcast
Delivery Diaries: The Podcast
Celebrating National Adoption Month: Single Motherhood, an International Adoption Rollercoaster, and the Bathtub Epiphany
It's November, and we're celebrating National Adoption Month. Delivery Diaries is about telling the stories of how your child came into your life. Whether by vaginal, cesarean, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption, it's all a part of the fantastic family-making-journey. In this episode we hear from Flo's dear friend, Stephanie Schroeder.
Stephanie shares her inspirational journey to single motherhood and adopting her baby daughter, Grace, from Ethiopia 15 years ago.
What is even more inspiring is she did it on her terms.
Grab your tissues and hang on tight as she explains the logistical and emotional rollercoaster process and how to stack the cards in your favor as a soon-to-be adoptive parent.
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Flo Speakman: I wanted to say thank you for sharing this because you were literally, I think the first person I thought of when we started this journey, I'm like, we have to interview Stephanie. Your story is beautiful and amazing and very modern. In terms of, sort of the challenges that you went through, during your life as a lawyer and, having been with you for three or four years through that period before you had decided to adopt Grace
Brandy Breth: Oh wow.
Flo Speakman: I saw a lot. I saw a lot.
Brandy Breth: Wow. it was impressive.
The first thing that just thought of when you said that Flo was, Oh my God, you guys knew each other before even
Flo Speakman: mm-hmm.
Brandy Breth: The whole adoption process. my first question is, um, well, what. What was the spark? What, Well, we can go into your life like what it was before you decided to have that spark in your mind. But What was the spark that like, you know what I, I wanna adopt?
Actually that goes way back. I've always wanted to adopt ever since I was a little girl. But I actually thought that I would want to adopt and give birth. and the reason for that is [00:01:00] I have these cousins. My aunt and uncle gave birth to six kids and then adopted two through foster care, so I grew up with that as like a model, and I always thought that was so cool. And then also, I grew up going to all Catholic schools and we used to go down to Mexico to do service trips at, an orphanage.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And so I had that in my mind too, like, wait, I mean, I'm in high school, and I'm like, but can't I take them home? You know? And so , I had that, idea of wanting to take kids out of orphanages from a very young age too. And so always in the back of my mind I thought, Yeah, I'm gonna get married and have kids, but I really hope my husband would be open to the idea of also adopting some kids. So that was always like a, a, a dream.
Brandy Breth: Wow, that's really unique. Yeah. To be able to see that at such a young age.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Okay, so that was a spark at a, I didn't, I was not expecting that answer. That's great. So the spark [00:02:00] happened when you were young, So now let's fast forward to when, you're living your life.
Stephanie Schroeder: I'm living, Yeah. And you know, and as Flo knows, I'm like dating, dating, dating, dating, dating, dating, dating. I had a really great career. I was a, I'm a, I'm a lawyer and now I'm, I'm a business executive, but I really wanted to get married, like, and have kids. Like that was my goal. And so I was, and LA's crazy and it's be difficult, and unfortunately did have a couple of women that I knew professionally who had either given birth to or adopted kids on their own. So that was my safety net. Like, you know, at some point you can just pull the plug and be like, I'm gonna just do this. But I was still trying to like do it like the, the, you know, steps way. Um, and I, I know a lot of women will say one friend of mine was like, If I'm not married by 35, I'm, I'm getting myself knocked up.
And I was like, you know, 35, I was nowhere near ready to, to do that.
Brandy Breth: [00:03:00] Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And I decided I wasn't gonna set an age that I was just going to know when it was time for me to do that. And that's kind of like, I tend to be more like intuitive and emotional. So, um,
Brandy Breth: That's actually nice hearing from a lawyer. I would've been a lawyer in another lifetime. I'm a Libra. So that was
Flo Speakman: Brandy.
Brandy Breth: That was a compliment.
Flo Speakman: Yeah. Brandy have to tell you, Stephanie's one of the best lawyers I've ever worked for, or
Brandy Breth: I'm, yes.
Flo Speakman: Like that is just absolutely amazing. Like, or the intuitiveness she brings to the, to the role. It, it just, it's amazing. Anyway,
Brandy Breth: That's special. Uh, I is special. so then at 35, was it even in your mindset to be like, I had children later,
Stephanie Schroeder: And I love the idea of giving birth to a child with someone. Like, look at this that we made, that's you and me together. Like I thought that would be really cool. But for me, the idea of doing it with us with a sperm donor I was not interested in that at all. So I knew if I was gonna do it on my [00:04:00] own, I was gonna adopt. there's like this progression of my birthday party. So my 42nd birthday party, I had a party at 40 duece. Were you there Flo? I feel like I was 40 duece means 42 and so it was like bottle service and I was like,
Brandy Breth: Oh yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: I was that girl. And then my 43rd birthday, I'd had to go on a trip to Atlanta and I flew home on my birthday and I was taking a bubble bath. We're winding down on the whole birthday thing and I'm sitting there in my bubble bath on my 43rd birthday and it was like, tap, tap, tap. Like, Oh, it's time. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this.
Brandy Breth: Wow.
Stephanie Schroeder: And it was just like just sitting there on that day and with complete clarity, like there was no hemming and hawing. Like, is it time? Is it not time? It was like that day of like, boom, it's time if you rewind to [00:05:00] when Grace was conceived. She would've been conceived probably late August, early September, but she was on this earth in her birth mother's uterus at the time that I tapped tapped tapped. Yeah, it's. Like, Oh, come get me mom.
Brandy Breth: Oh my gosh.
Stephanie Schroeder: So yeah.
Brandy Breth: There's like no words. That's why I,
Flo Speakman: There's no words. Yeah
Brandy Breth: There's no words. But there is a moment of pause.
Cause I have to turn down my son's tea, um, video game.
Flo Speakman: Oh my God. Huh? I didn't think, I don't have any tissues. I didn't think I was gonna cry.
Stephanie Schroeder: Pause. It's an amazing story. I've heard all this before. Yeah. Do you need anything before I go back? Sebastian's a cute kid.
Brandy Breth: Thanks for waiting. So yes, Miracles all around. Miracles are happening.
Stephanie Schroeder: So, [00:06:00] so I got the idea and then I just went, and this is where what you'd expect of a lawyer. Like I get really like, like focused and so, I just started researching like a lunatic. all the places you can, go to adopt. Do I wanna do domestic, do I wanna do international? And I was literally not sleeping. I was just asking everyone I know, who do you know who's done this? Who can I meet with? Blah, blah, blah. And I just went into overdrive. And the thing is, is that in the back of my mind I was like, It's gonna be international and it's probably gonna be Ethiopia, but I had to, I don't know why.
Brandy Breth: ok.
I had to research it so I could justify it in a logical way to myself. And so I did, I spent like a lot of time researching, I looked into domestic adoption, I looked into international adoption. Domestic adoption I met with an adoption lawyer and what was appealing about domestic is that you can get a newborn. And since I thought with my age, I'm probably only gonna have one [00:07:00] child. I would love to be able to take that child from, you know, through the whole, have that whole experience, have the infant experience mm-hmm. , you know, have that whole experience. And also if I'm gonna be a single working mom, longer our kids in foster care or group care, the more chances that they're gonna have issues with attachment or, you know, whatever. And so I was like, let's stack the cards in my favor.
Brandy Breth: Ok.
Stephanie Schroeder: But the way that you can adopt a newborn here in the United States is basically like dating, which I'd already been doing for so long. you have to meet birth moms and hope they like you and hope they pick you instead of somebody else and go through the whole process. I had like a few friends who like their, the birth mom gave birth and then they changed their mind and you know, their,
Brandy Breth: Yeah. Ugh.
Stephanie Schroeder: And it just sounded like such a rollercoaster. Also, if you're at least with this lawyer who's like, there's like one guy, like I literally don't know anyone who didn't use this guy. Like everyone I know in [00:08:00] LA used this guy. I'm sure there is somebody else, but anytime someone adopted, I'm like so you used that guy David? And they're like, Yeah, of course. .
Brandy Breth: Well, at that point you already had a circle of friends it sounds like, or some people adopted already or they're, or saying Go for it, or,
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Brandy Breth: Okay.
So he was very discouraging of wanting a specific gender and I being on my own, really wanted a girl. And if I had, the opportunity to have more than one, I'd maybe be like, not so set up. I was like, you know what? If it's just me, I think it's gonna be so much easier to have girl. And he was like, Yeah. You know, cuz for him it's his job a lot easier if he's not worrying about that. He kind of kept pushing me on race. Like, I can get you a white baby. That's really easy. We can make sure that we know who both parent the birth parents are, you know, no problem. Like, I don't care about that.
but like, you shouldn't care about gender. I mean, when you get birth a baby, you don't get to pick the gender. And I'm like, But I'm not giving birth a baby. You're not. Um, yeah. So it was really weird. Like he, he wanted me to care about things I [00:09:00] didn't care about, but he didn't really support me, caring about things I did care about. I started researching internationally more and kind of put that idea of domestic adoption aside. I came up with a list of really logical reasons why Ethiopia was good. You could get babies younger. Mm-hmm. , um, there's very little drug and alcohol use in that country. The care in the orphanages is known to be very loving and attentive, which I find to be very true. So I had like this great long list of nice, practical reasons to justify the decision that my heart had already kind of made.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: That, that's where I was going. And so I, I, I backed it up with facts and um, searched for an agency, found an agency, they gave me all the paperwork. The paperwork that you have to do is so intense. It's like stacks and stacks of paperwork. And so that's [00:10:00] where I went into lawyer mode I like got all the paperwork done. You show up to your first meeting and they think they're gonna explain the paperwork to you cuz it's overwhelming. And I'm like, it's all done. So it's notarized fingerprint and here's the seal so we're done. Right. And she was like, we have literally never had that happen that you showed up with the paperwork all done.
Brandy Breth: But now do people that obviously aren't lawyers that are going through that process, obviously, do they need a lawyer to go through that kind of process?
Stephanie Schroeder: No. Your social Social.
Brandy Breth: Not necessarily
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Brandy Breth: Oh, okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: Goodness no, your social worker helps you through it. So that's why you're supposed to have several meetings with the social worker to help you figure out how to fill out all the paperwork and you know, each one like this one needs the seal of the Secretary of State and this one needs the, you know, there's all this stuff. So they usually help you through it cuz it's very overwhelming.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
But I just did it. You have to like get like a medical exam. You have to have friends and family write letters of recommendation for you. [00:11:00] There's like a lot you have to go through to, to, you know, prove that you can financial, someone comes in and inspects your home.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: So
Brandy Breth: How long was that process when you went to the table and showed him everything and for you?
Stephanie Schroeder: So I went to the table I think in like, April. By that time I picked an agency, gotten signed up and everything, and log me into their program. That took a few months and then it was like a couple of months wait to get my referral.
Brandy Breth: Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: So I decided to adopt in December and I got my referral the following September. So it was actually pretty quick.
Brandy Breth: Yeah, less than a year.
I traveled to pick her up almost a year to the date. So my birth, my birthday's December 5th. I traveled December 7th the following year.
Brandy Breth: Yes. Cuz I'm tracking it when she was conceived now. Cause that's in my head,
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. So she was born May 22nd.
Brandy Breth: Uhhuh,
Stephanie Schroeder: And I got the referral September [00:12:00] like 22nd almost. Exactly. Yeah. So yeah. So she was just a little peanut at the time that they sent me. You know, they send you like all of her like information and,
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm. Oh.
Stephanie Schroeder: A picture.
Brandy Breth: Oh my gosh, yes. We will come to that . That's amazing. Let's just fast forward to the part where you get her. This is so great for our listeners and viewers. For those that are considering or thinking that this is an option, they can obviously hear it from the horse's mouth, from someone that's going through the domestic and the international. Cuz I didn't know that those kind of questions would arise from someone such as David was his name.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Brandy Breth: Which I guess is valid in that arena. But what came to me was, oh, you're still the mom. You're still the parent. So your needs can be met.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. And how, and you're better off placing, a child if somebody knows what's gonna be right for them, you're better off placing your child, meet their needs. And, you know, I understand that they're a [00:13:00] position. Cause even in, in international adoption, they're always trying to encourage you to take special needs kids and take older kids and Absolutely those kids need homes. But if I feel like as a full-time working mom, and single, I'm not gonna have the capacity to deal with that. You should really honor that I'm telling you that.
Brandy Breth: That's great to hear. That's great to know. That's great to learn. I'm saying. Yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: I kinda shame you just a little bit if you don't want to.
Brandy Breth: Just a little.
Flo Speakman: Well, and it's something that we, we talked about Brandy, is the self-advocacy. I mean, that's something that, that, you know, knowing Stephanie the way that I know her, like that was not a problem for her. The ability to advocate for what she wanted and to walk away when people were pressuring her for, to do things she didn't wanna do. And, um, but for a lot of people that would be intimidating, right?
Stephanie Schroeder: Like, oh, and shame really. I mean, I went to Catholic school, so shame does work on me, so it did, you know.
Brandy Breth: Yes.
Stephanie Schroeder: Stay focused because I was only gonna pretty much get one shot at this. I, I needed to, [00:14:00] you know, stack the cards in our favor to make it work.
I am really inspired because as I'm creating Delivery Diaries as a whole umbrella, I knew when I say prenatal, it's more like, before baby or before a child, and I don't want to compare it the same. Oh, like giving birth and adoption but it's like the before, like what's happening before this child is brought into a family?
Brandy Breth: Because this is your experience of like what's happening before. It's almost like your prenatal experience. It's like you have to advocate for yourself. You wanna be able to create your environment. You had to mentally and physically be, prepare yourself for creating a family and that's valid and important and to honor your wishes too.
Does this all make sense? Yeah. I'm actually talking it out loud because this is the first time hearing something like this, like this experience, and it just brings more, I feel it brings more empathy to another area of the adoption arena.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Brandy Breth: [00:15:00] I hope so. Yeah.
Flo Speakman: Yeah. Well, no, it, it, it does. And, and I do remember at one point during this process, Stephanie said to me, it, it's sort of like being pregnant, I think. Like we were prenatal. Yeah. I don't know what we were talking about. Yeah. But she's like, I, you know, you're sitting here, you're waiting for, for all of this stuff to come together.
Stephanie Schroeder: baby's not cooking, but you're like, you're just sitting there waiting. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Brandy Breth: But you're preparing
Stephanie Schroeder: Waiting like months of waiting, like, okay. Mm-hmm.
Flo Speakman: The anticipation, you're waiting and you're getting matched and you get this picture right?
Stephanie Schroeder: The picture came in September. I was at work when I was at Warner Brothers the first time, I got like a message on my cell phone and I was across the lot at the gym and I got a message from the, from the agency on my cell phone. And they don't call you unless like, there's a reason. So I knew this is it. And so I'm like in my stilettos, like trying to like run across the Lot.
I got in my office and I like, [00:16:00] You know, cuz this is how you meet your baby.
Brandy Breth: Oh,
Stephanie Schroeder: And so I'm like, like I click on the email and there's no attachment. So I'm like, well, they're not gonna be, So they only had her name and like, some facts about her, like the date she was born and everything. Um, and you know, it's like what facts can there be? Like who cares? Like, how she weighs or, you know, they're like, Can she speak? No. I'm like, well she's three months old, so Okay, good. Um, so, so like, I like, you know, can I, can I get a photo? She's like, Yeah, sorry, I don't have it yet. I should have it tomorrow. I'm like, youre killing me.
Brandy Breth: Yeah. Yeah. Um, that's rough.
Stephanie Schroeder: Wait until the next day to get the photo. And I remember my assistant like, Do you want me to step out? Do you wanna, like, cuz you're gonna click on that, you're gonna see your baby and, and you're sitting in your [00:17:00] office. I mean, it's just such a weird way to meet your baby.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
I click on the photo and she's just, I mean, she has these like eyes that are like saucers and the way she's looking at the camera, I mean, it feels like she's looking right at me and just so like, amazing. And, and you're like, Oh my God, I just, can I get on a plane right now? I need to get on a plane right this minute and go get her. Yeah. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have to like, wait. And then she tells me like, Oh actually I'm so sorry. I was like, this, this is amazing. Like, what do we do when, when can I come and. I knew it wouldn't be right away, but she's like, Oh no, I'm so sorry. Um, we know some of the paperwork's not in yet. It'll probably take like about 10 days before I can officially refer this baby to you. I'm like, ah, So [00:18:00] she's not technically available for adoption yet.
Brandy Breth: Ah, you know, why did they jump the gun like that? That's, this is the bad tease.
Stephanie Schroeder: Screwed up. They just
Brandy Breth: Oh, they threw a screw up. Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: It's just a screw up. So like now I have to sit there and like stare at her picture for 10 days and wonder if she's even available. And here's something that, that's really crazy. So the agency knew that there was this other family that lived near me that was going through the process also in Ethiopia at the same time. They're like, Oh, do you guys wanna exchange information? Um, and so I met this couple, They're super nice. We're still friends. Um, and they were going through the process. We were at the same time. They got the referral to their baby at that same day, 20 minutes before I did, which means there were two babies on this stack. One went to them and one went to me. It could have
Brandy Breth: Wow.
Stephanie Schroeder: You know what I mean?
Brandy Breth: That is so [00:19:00] uncanny. Oh my God.
Stephanie Schroeder: They lived in Studio City. Grace went to middle school with this girl. Okay.
Brandy Breth: Okay. You knew each other by then now. Right. Did you guys, did they grow up together?
Stephanie Schroeder: Not really. Like they
Brandy Breth: Okay. But you knew each other?
Stephanie Schroeder: Friends. But they knew each other. Like we had playdates every now and, but they honestly didn't. It's weird. Like they, they didn't really connect, like they like, No, In orphanage together in Ethiopia. They're like, Okay, well, whatever. Like that. Like they weren't,
Brandy Breth: My gosh, Stephanie, that's a movie. When are you gonna write your screenplay on that one? Oh my God. Wow. What are the chances?
Stephanie Schroeder: It feels like it couldn't have, like now it feels like that was, she was meant to be my kid and that she was meant to be their kid. Like, it feels like it could have, but if we're being honest, it could have.
Would you like to share the organization?
Stephanie Schroeder: so it's, um, Children's House International. It was who I did the adoption through and I mean, they were great. You know, there were things like them springing up the referral and [00:20:00] there there are things that we'll get to that weren't perfect, but nothing's perfect. And honestly I thought they were really great. You said, you avoided the rollercoaster of domestic, but what kind of ride or what emotional toll was there? Just the anticipation.
Yeah. So I mean, rollercoaster is like the perfect, perfect word for it because, I literally cannot wait another day for that picture. I have to have it today. Mm-hmm. , you know, and then. that 10 days of not knowing, being in that weird limbo of I don't know if that's my baby or not. Mm-hmm. , and it was really funny and I'd forgotten about this. I went back, I had done a blog back in the day and it, it's been taken down. But I went back, I told Flo yesterday, I went back to read the blog to refresh my memory. and I forgot that when I got her photo and then I found out that she wasn't officially referred to me. I was like, Well, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna tell anyone then, you know, Cause it's not official. Well, I gotta tell Courtney, my assistant cuz she's right outside my door and
Brandy Breth: Yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: Matt Beerman came in. Well, I mean, [00:21:00] he's like, You weird little cat. Luck going on. What's happening with you? And then I told him, and then
Brandy Breth: it's like, it's like if you're pregnant, I can't tell anyone. Don don't say anything until official.
Stephanie Schroeder: She's my best. She doesn't count like four people. But that's it.
Brandy Breth: I love it. Love it all.
Stephanie Schroeder: These 10 people.
Brandy Breth: Yes. That's good. Oh my God.
Stephanie Schroeder: This is true with pregnancy too, you think? Yeah. Say if this doesn't happen, I'm going to fall apart and so I'm gonna need to, to have to fall apart with people. I can't fall apart by myself, so,
Brandy Breth: Yes. That's, that's amazing as far as having that village with you. Yeah. It's all that emotional, that whole human experience. Okay. How exciting now.
When your referral becomes official. the emotion changes because this is my kid and I'm angry that you're not [00:22:00] letting me take her and move home. Why is my child in this group home where I'm not taking care of her? Like, then I start, I was like mad every day I was mad and I I started waking up in the middle of the night thinking I heard her crying and I would like get up and walk toward her room where she wasn't, because she was still in Ethiopia. And so like from, That October until I went to get her. I was just mad that like they were keeping her from me, like
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: you know, like, she's my baby, she shouldn't be there. She should be home with me. Like, let's get the show on the, you know?
Brandy Breth: Yes, yes. It's that motherly internal like instinct you can't explain. It's all emotions coming. Yeah. So valid. Thank you for sharing that part, cuz. Um, I don't think that we don't know. And to hear that, um, connection all across the world.
Stephanie Schroeder: Across the world. Yeah. Yeah. It really was. It was so hard. Once I saw [00:23:00] her so hard to wait, like it made me really mad. Mm-hmm. I had to take care of her. Like I want, you know.
Flo Speakman: You wanted to hold her?
Well, can I just share that, um, it's not a comparison, but it's in the fact of the motherly and the bonding and longing. And the instinct is, cuz with my part of my story, I my son was in NICU, he was full term, but he was in NICU and I left the hospital. without him, but it was something I had no idea that even happens cuz I didn't know the NICU experience his pediatrician was so kind. He was like, but he has to finish his seven days of antibiotics. I'm so sorry Brandy. I was like, oh, so I'm getting wheeled out without the my baby. So yes, I'm the anger, the upset, the, so it's like, I'm so mad. Um, but I wanted to connect that feeling of I want my baby. I know you're taking care of him. I know he is in good hands.
Stephanie Schroeder: I know.
Brandy Breth: Give my baby.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yes, yes, yes. Oh my gosh, You're like waiting for your baby. [00:24:00] Could you log then logically, like time and space, you knew when you were gonna go to Ethiopia to get her? Like, did that was gap,
You know, they're always like caveats. They're like, Okay, so your court date is October 22nd. If that goes through then. you could travel in three weeks, but they're like, don't count on it until it goes through. Don't make plans, you know, so you're just like, had that first court date didn't go through. And here's the frustration, and this is again, like for any parent, but especially being a lawyer, they don't really give you much information.
So like, well, your court take didn't go through. Well, why? Like, what happened? they won't, they wouldn't tell me anything. They're like, we'll let you know when you have another court date. I'm like, Is that gonna be days? Is it gonna be weeks? Can you tell me what happened? Is there an issue? Like, don't I get it to know? And no, they didn't tell me anything other than it didn't go through. You know, you're just in agony. Like you wanna bring your kid home. I'm gonna go break her outta jail. Like I'm.
Brandy Breth: That's that. I can imagine that's hard. Yeah. The, um, anxiety ridden.
Stephanie Schroeder: I think the [00:25:00] next court date was like three weeks later.
Brandy Breth: Three weeks.
Stephanie Schroeder: So I, I thought she was gonna be home for Thanksgiving and, and she wasn't. And I just was sitting there at Thanksgiving, like I was so miserable.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
but then the court date did go through, so I went to pick her up. I left December 7th, which is two days after my birthday. Yeah.
Brandy Breth: Okay. I need a breather. Whew. This is like.
Flo Speakman: It's a lot.
Brandy Breth: That is a lot.
Flo Speakman: And some of this I didn't know, I didn't know about the court date. I didn't know. I mean.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Flo Speakman: Yeah. So she's, she's there waiting for you. With the nice ladies at the, at the orphanage. But still
Stephanie Schroeder: They were so nice. But still.
Flo Speakman: But still.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
How did your friends and family react when you're like, okay, this is it. You had that moment in the bathtub and you're telling people I'm gonna adopt. My family is very conservative and Catholic and so I was a little nervous how they were gonna react. With me being [00:26:00] single, not to adoption, like adoption's, very Catholic, but like me being single, I was nervous how they were gonna react to that. And so I waited to tell them until it was kind of happening. I wasn't in that deciding stage. I was like, I've got my agency. It's gonna be Ethiopia. You know, like I had everything done. I'm logged in. So that way I wouldn't have them. Like, if, if they were like gonna try to talk me out of it, it would be like, it's already happening.
Brandy Breth: Like if there's a rebuttal .
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. Yeah. I came to Easter with a bottle of champagne and said, Hey, you got something to celebrate. And um, and I told him, and what was interesting, and I mentioned this to Flo the other day, is my mom was like shocked. Like, Wow, what, where did this come from? And I was like, have we met, like all I've ever wanted was to be a mom. All I ever wanted, [00:27:00] ever, You know, like there's this really corny line on friends where Chandler's like, My wife is a mother without a baby. I'm like, Here, right here.
Brandy Breth: I love it.
Stephanie Schroeder: And so like, I just was really, and, but I, what I realized to, to be fair to her that in that generation, if there's something that you want in terms of like marriage and family, that doesn't happen for you. You just, you don't like you, you pretend like you didn't want it in the first place. Like you don't deal with those emotions. And it wasn't really an option for women to do what I'm doing back then. So it just, I think in her mind she probably, if she was like, you know, forced to, she probably knew that I wanted to be a mom, but she'd talked herself out of knowing it because it's uncomfortable if she thinks it can't happen.
And I actually met a lot of women who are a bit older than me who have kind of gotten real with me and said, I think it's so great what you did. Women who don't have children. [00:28:00] I wish that I had felt that that was an option for me, but I didn't, you know? And so, you know, and that, and like how I saw women who had done it, which is how I knew it was an option for me. Other women have seen me, will see me do it. And you know, like Alana now has a baby.
Flo Speakman: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: You know, she me do it 10 years later she did it. You know, And so I think you kind of have to know that it's available to you to, to consider if it's for you.
Despite that, like, Huh, that's a surprising comment they were very supportive and they have a great relationship with Grace but, there was just that initial like surprise, which was surprising. My friends on the other hand were like, Of course you're doing this.
Flo Speakman: know, like, that was my reaction of course this is happening
Stephanie Schroeder: to, because they know me.
Brandy Breth: Yeah. Wonderful. Wonderful. so, so it was [00:29:00] quick. After you got court date, you like got on a plane.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. Three weeks after you pass court is when you travel, because that takes the embassy that long to get the visa paperwork through.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: So yeah, so I've traveled three weeks after my court date.
The court date is an Ethiopian court granting you the adoption and then you take that adoption paper and say, Well this child is now the, the legal child of this American citizen to the US Embassy and say, Well since it's my child, you need to give her a visa.
Flo Speakman: Okay, Got it.
Stephanie Schroeder: The, the adoption becomes legal and that's what entitles her to the visa.
Flo Speakman: Okay. So it's Ethiopian courts that you were waiting on? Not US courts. Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: Exactly.
Flo Speakman: That makes, that makes sense. Okay. Yeah. So then, so you get this information, I'm assuming by email?
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Flo Speakman: And then you go to the Ethiopian Embassy here, or you go to the American Embassy in What's the name?
Stephanie Schroeder: Addis Ababa
Flo Speakman: Addis Ababa okay.
So that's why it's three [00:30:00] weeks cuz the paperwork goes through the American Embassy in Ethiopia and then when you're there, when you're in country, you actually go, it's like on the third Tuesday of every month, they issue visa. So while I was there, I had to go get her Visa issued, but the paperwork was all there. I just had to show up in person.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: to get it done.
Flo Speakman: How far was she from the embassy, Like physically how far? Cause Ethiopia's not small.
Stephanie Schroeder: But she was in Addis Ababa, the capital.
Flo Speakman: Ok.
Stephanie Schroeder: So, you know, they had someone at the orphanage who could drive us around.
Flo Speakman: Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: So they drove us there.
Just the logistics of this is insane to me.
Brandy Breth: The logistics is a whole other topic. Wow. It's, yeah
Just the practicality of one, you getting on a plane and what is this 24 hour flight, go to Europe and then get on a flight. Is that what you did?
Brandy Breth: What, what were you doing in the plane? Like how are you, did you have to get distracted? , like having, I would imagine
Stephanie Schroeder: like, Yeah, first of all, you have to pack all your, [00:31:00] all the best stuff for the baby. Used to travel a ton internationally. I was constantly going to Nepal you name it, like I was traveling everywhere I I loved carrying on. So I would take a carry on and I'd be gone for like three weeks on a carry on. So all of a sudden I am taking the largest suitcase I've ever known. on my 44th birthday, um, my coworker who has a son a little bit older than Grace, took me to Target on my after work on my birthday. And she just started loading all this baby stuff into my cart. Like, You want this? You're gonna need this. I'm like, Okay. So I just like piled all that stuff, into a suitcase at things that I thought I'd need for this baby I'd never met and got on a plane and hoped that like I brought the right number of onesies.
Brandy Breth: Okay, now we're onto something. So then how long did you know you're gonna be in Ethiopia to get Grace then to come back to the states?
Stephanie Schroeder: So you have to be there. Like you, if you get there, like, so I was gonna get there on a [00:32:00] Sunday. You have to be there through Thursday for sure. Cuz they've got stuff like Tuesday you go to the embassy when you know, like there's like stuff that they have planned. Um, and then you can stay as long as you want after that, but you have to basically be there till Thursday. When you agree to adopt her, she gets moved from the public orphanage into your adoption agency's care center.
Brandy Breth: Oh wow, okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: Paying for her care. And because it's just a little bit nicer care. They've got more nannies, got more resources, got cleaner water. Your kids more likely to survive.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And it does happen that they don't survive. Um, I had that happen to a friend that I know she had a referral that, didn't make it, you know, there's lot of, you know, um, clean water issues there. So if you move the kid into the care center, their, their chances of survival go, go way up. So they want you to go that, nevertheless, visit where she was relinquished.
and if possible, meet the birth mom. And [00:33:00] that happens on Thursday. So, you know, they have like a whole process. And then after that it's to you when you leave, I didn't really wanna stay. I wanted to get home.
Brandy Breth: Yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: So I left probably like that Friday.
Brandy Breth: Okay. Your friend came with you stuffed everything in the cart and you're ready to go on this 20 plus hour air fight well my brother came with me to Ethiopia, we met in London, um, at the airport in London. And then he came with me to Addis Ababa. I honestly was thinking I was just gonna go by myself, but people were like, No, you should bring somebody with you. first time mom wanted to go, but then, my brother really wanted to come,
Stephanie Schroeder: Um, and so ultimately we decided to have my brother go and in a way that was kind perfect because I also have a sister, but like, I kind of wanted whoever came to sort of recede into the background cause, she would've, taken charge and everything. And my brother was like, basically like kinda on his phone the whole time.
Brandy Breth: Like he was giving you the space he was granting you the space to,
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah.
Brandy Breth: Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: I needed him to lift something heavy, I'd say.[00:34:00]
Flo Speakman: Cause she's like six and a half, seven months old at this point, right?
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah, she was six months old and Yeah, she's, you know, she, she's a big girl. She was playing with like 25 pounds.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Which is interesting, and this is jumping ahead a little bit, but like
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: You know, you get to build up your mommy your arms when you start out with a newborn.
I was handed a 25 pound baby. Yes. I would be, you know, like pulling her, holding her. That's, I'm gonna fall off. It's gonna,
Brandy Breth: So how did you transition back to the States and what did you have, Did you have a carrier back then? My parents were picking us up and I put a car seat in their car. Yeah, of course.
Yeah, of course. That. Okay. All right.
Flo Speakman: Are you there like with other parents? Is it like a tour group or was it just you? Oh, cause when you meet Grace, or was she Yeah, like the four days or whatever where they've got everything planned.
Brandy Breth: Well, we're definitely setting, we're taking the scene for that flow. We're setting it up. Cause in, cause in the movies it's like, ooh, there's like a lovely music background and you're in this nature background and then there's line and then [00:35:00] they hand you the baby that's big adopted.
The actual like moment that, that which is pretty intense.
Stephanie Schroeder: We go to Ethiopia. . they had originally told me we were landing on Sunday. They had originally told me that,they usually don't like, cuz it's kind of religious area, they probably won't wanna bring you over to see her on Sunday. I'm like, Oh, please. So they, they did just thank goodness. We were saying at a hotel at a Sheraton, they sent, a guy over to pick us up. They take us there and everyone else had cried already, like when they saw her picture and everything. And I hadn't, it was like, I couldn't, cause I just, something could go wrong still, you know what I mean? Like, I was still kinda like, I felt really emotional, but I hadn't like cried and I'm a big crier.
Flo Speakman: Mm, yes. That's, I I can attest to that. That is true in a good way. You feel your feelings.
Brandy Breth: Of course, of course, [00:36:00] of course.
Stephanie Schroeder: So, this is like a movie, like there's like a, like a gate and a gravel driveway and the gate opens and they have the orphanage director's wife standing on the porch holding Grace and she's like, they dressed her up like in the little outfit with a little hat.
Brandy Breth: Oh my gosh.
Now I can physically see her and I just start bawling.
Brandy Breth: Oh Yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: Like all that pent up from that whole year tears. Just the damn breaks. And I start bawling and I jump outta the car, which I think was still moving. Then I start running at the gravel driveway and then I think you're gonna scare this poor baby. You cannot come running toward her crying like a lunatic. She's gonna like not want like six,
Brandy Breth: Six months. They're aware. Yeah. she's fully aware. [00:37:00] Oh wow.
Stephanie Schroeder: But you know what, You're right. They're aware and they, and she knew exact, like she was okay. Like she was gonna gimme a pass. Like, it's okay mom. Like I get it. She just looked at me with her big, gigantic eyes and it was like, it was like the movies. Like, she's like, Hey. And so, you know, they put her in my arms and I'm just like, like, It's just, you know, finally, like finally here, you're, you know, finally from the last year and finally from my life.
Flo Speakman: Your whole life.
Stephanie Schroeder: Oh, my,
Brandy Breth: Your whole life.
Stephanie Schroeder: And she was like, really? You know, like a good sport about the fact that I couldn't stop crying. And she just, she just like, she was totally, she just settled right in, you know, like, and just kept staring at me with those big eyes. And she was perfectly settled in on me.
Brandy Breth: [00:38:00] Mm-hmm. She been waiting.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. We've both been waiting. They tell you you have to take all these classes on, attachment and, the chance that there will be difficulties with attachment and everything. I took all the classes and I was like, This is not gonna happen. Like it's gonna be fine. And it, and it was, it was like, Oh, hi mom.
Flo Speakman: Ugh.
There's all this kind of ceremonial stuff so here you hang out there, which is probably good. Like, you don't just be like, Okay, thanks, bye. you sit there they show you around like her room and everything, there were seven cribs in her room, you sit and you get to talk to the nannies for a while, but they kept taking her at like, Cause they, they were losing her.
Brandy Breth: Yeah.
Stephanie Schroeder: So I was like, hard for me to be gracious. So I was like, seriously, stop taking my baby, taking her. And I was like, You be gracious. Like, they took care of her. They're losing her. You're gonna have her forever, [00:39:00] like, calm down. But I I was like
Brandy Breth: Didn't you have your, didn't you have your moment to say goodbye yet? Come on. Yeah. So, you know, they're telling you like how often they feed her and you know, what she's eating, I think we like hung out there for several hours, at the orphanage.
Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And then, Went back to the hotel, I think probably in the, in the evening. There was a ceremonial type send off or? Yeah.
When you like It was like over, so every day.
Brandy Breth: Oh, over days. Okay.
Stephanie Schroeder: They're like, Oh. And so tomorrow you'll come back, um, at 10:00 AM the guy will come get you. And you're like, Oh, okay. So they have you come back every day and the minute you walk in they take your baby. Like they
Flo Speakman: This is terrifying.
Stephanie Schroeder: Wanted to dote on her, which is sweet, but I'm,
Brandy Breth: What part is terrifying Flo? I'm just curious.
Flo Speakman: That's okay. So you're the, So I think about it my only reference is like the hospital, right? Which was really easy for me. Like I was super fortunate.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
But the idea [00:40:00] that you walk into somewhere and these people who are essentially strangers then take this person that you like, that that is your baby. Like, you know, it's your child. This is the person that you're supposed to, and then they just take her. Like, I can imagine that being jarring if not not.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. From their point of view that in their mind I'm that person. Yeah.
Flo Speakman: Right.
Brandy Breth: Exactly. It's a different point of view. Especially come
Stephanie Schroeder: From so long and here comes this lady, I'm thinking this is my baby, and they're thinking this is our baby.
the first night in the hotel room, I had to give her a bath at the hotel. It's like a hotel bathtub. And I'm like, you know,
Brandy Breth: what do I do with this?
Stephanie Schroeder: Bathe a baby in here.
Brandy Breth: Exactly. You're like, What do I do?
Stephanie Schroeder: Cause I was think, you know, so like, I literally like got in with her.
Brandy Breth: Oh yeah, Yeah.
Flo Speakman: No, sometimes that's the best, right?
Brandy Breth: Yeah. Oh, you, what was that like? You get to bathe with your, Oh, there's nothing, [00:41:00] you get to bond in a special way. What was that like?
Stephanie Schroeder: Bonding for the first time with your baby in a hotel room, which is just really weird, you know? Like, you wanna be home, but you're not. Yeah. So you're, you're gonna make the rest of it. So, Yeah. And that, you know, the first night getting her to. . Um, so this will answer your question about unsolicited advice.
My brother who wanted to watch tv, and I was like, Could you please just turn the TV off? Like, she's not gonna, like, she's not used to tell. She's gotta get used to noises. I'm my, I trust me when I tell you, there will not be a TV blurring in my house while I'm putting my child to sleep. So can you turn it off? He wouldn't turn the TV off. So then, uh,
Flo Speakman: This is a sibling thing.
Brandy Breth: Yeah. It's like my duties are done. I'm watching tv. What? It's,
Stephanie Schroeder: I'm one day of life's like bad British TV and just turn it off to, So I'm trying to get her to sleep and he's telling me, just put her down and let her cry. And [00:42:00] I'm like, if I'm not doing that, and if I were gonna do that, I certainly wouldn't start it tonight when we just met. Like, and I didn't, I never wanted to do that, but like, mm-hmm. So we're like bickering about, you know, how to put the baby to sleep.
Flo Speakman: I've been like, get your own room.
Stephanie Schroeder: I swear now when I look back, I'm like, why didn't I just pay for a room for him?
Brandy Breth: So then how did that end?
Stephanie Schroeder: He eventually went to sleep that first night. The chatter of the stupid TV on, um, she's always been a good sleeper. But yeah, that was, that was not the, the circumstances under which I wanted to put my child to sleep for the first time.
Brandy Breth: Of course, like the mommy's wishes were not honored. I mean, and you know what I, what I meant to go back to Flo was like, I, I get the scary part of all, you know, the stranger part. And thanks for clarifying that, Stephanie, cuz the point of view of different, not only cultures, but of different point of view of just people, I'm not familiar with the adoption process, domestic or international, just from [00:43:00] friends that I know that have adopted kids.
But what gives me . Such like, um, the, on the honor that, that I would say country as a whole, the culture, the honor that they put in celebrating this life that they are giving to a new family, a new mom, a new dad. I think that's something to be said of, um, how special and unique that is. The honor that they spend time to do that. Again, I'm not familiar with all the practices. Yeah. But That's what I'm left with is, um, yeah,
Stephanie Schroeder: it's a beautiful culture and I mean, it is one of my logical reasons for choosing Ethiopia is that I felt like she was going to come from, you know, a place of being, you know, loved and cared for. And I could see that they had done that. So I was like so grateful for them. Like every time they wanted to take her from me, I was grateful for what that showed in their like emotions for her. You know, and that she she'd been cared for.
Brandy Breth: Yeah. Cause that's a new insight cuz have, it doesn't go like that. All, all over the place. All over.
Flo Speakman: That's true.[00:44:00]
You go back the next day at 10 o'clock and there there's, there's this next thing that's happening. So we're at what, Monday afternoon at this point? Monday morning.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. So it's really like, kind of unclear. Like they have like, well, you know, you come back here, you hang out here for a while, and then they like have like a guy like drive you around so you can kind of see, you know, the countryside or whatever. And then I think Tuesday was, we had to go get her visa.
Wednesday or Thursday, they take you to the orphanage and you're gonna meet the birth mom there. And my mom was dead set against this. She was like, No, no, no, no. That's gonna be too hard. The baby's gonna wanna go back to her birth mom and it's gonna be really traumatic for everyone.
Stephanie Schroeder: And I was like, That's okay though. Like I, I agree with them that there needs to be closure, even though she's, signed the papers and everything's done. And this is legally my baby. I, I feel like it's the right thing to do to give everybody [00:45:00] closure. Um, but of course I was still apprehensive.
Cause you know, you know, but you don't really know how it's gonna go. And we'd been, we'd spent, I guess it was Thursday, cause I remember like, we'd spent like a few days together, our 24 hours a day nonstop at that point. Um, but still, I didn't know what to expect from this experience.
Also, like parents tell you, Oh, come with a list of questions that you're gonna ask the birth mom about medical things and blah, blah, blah, which I did. But none of that happened, because, you know, you get there and it's, it's a very emotionally charged situation. And I'm like, I'm not gonna sit there and drill this woman with questions.
I just, I didn't have it in me. So, you get there and, when she saw Grace, she was really emotional, crying and everything. And so I, I was like, I wanted to give Grace to her to hold her. Um, but Grace wouldn't go.
Brandy Breth: Mm.
Stephanie Schroeder: She physically like, you know, like a baby that age [00:46:00] is freakishly strong.
Brandy Breth: Mm.
Flo Speakman: Like, yes.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: You can't make them. She would not go. And so I was like kind of trying to pry her off, like, no, no, no. Like let me get a photo. You know? I couldn't pry her off of me. She like was screaming and,
Flo Speakman: Oh, that's hard.
Stephanie Schroeder: Would not go.
Brandy Breth: Oh, she knew.
Stephanie Schroeder: It's like the opposite of what my mom predicted. Like, Yeah. She wanted to hang onto her mom. She wouldn't hang. And she'd made that in her brain. Her brain had made that like, this is my mom.
Flo Speakman: The transition. Yeah. She
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm.
The picture that we ended up getting, is me holding Grace and she's slumped and her, her head slumped against me and she's sucking her thumb cause she'd just been crying, like screaming and crying.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: Her head against me and her thumbs in her mouth. And I stood next to her birth mom so we could have like a photo. A photo. Yeah. But I couldn't get a whole photo of her cause I couldn't get [00:47:00] her to go to her. So she had, you know, her brain had told her like, No, this is my mom and I'm not going back.
Flo Speakman: That's amazing.
Stephanie Schroeder: Whew. Yeah, it's a lot emotional. It is.
Brandy Breth: It's really emotional.
Yeah. That's gonna be on the rollercoaster there. So it's Friday morning and you're going to the airport with your brother who refuses to turn off the TV. So, um, like that, that must have been so surreal. I basically left, I was one person and I was coming back and I was somebody else.
Mm-hmm. ,
Stephanie Schroeder: You know, like when I left I was like this girl went out had fun and something every night. I came back like a mom with a baby.
that first night was was your mom there when she was home with you? Like it was just you and her?
I didn't want anyone else there. my parents picked us up at the airport and, she would've stayed over if I had wanted her to, but I was like, [00:48:00] I want us to have our night. You know, like I wanted it to be us. So you're home, you have your night to yourself. Right. You and Grace. Yeah. You have your time together.
Stephanie Schroeder: And so I got putting her to sleep in the like more thoughtful, quiet way that I wanted to, breaking my arms off, holding her. And singing to her and in a dim room like what I wanted and, you know, to get her used to these new environments, all these new smells and sounds and you know, like, like taking her yet another new environment, right? she'd had whatever home her birth mom had for her, then the first orphanage. Then the second orphanage, then a hotel room, and finally home.
Brandy Breth: hmm mm-hmm
Stephanie Schroeder: That's like a lot of bouncing around for such a little baby. So I wanted to give her this like sense of like, now, but now you're home.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm. that's a lot of stimulation too.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. And also, by the way, the 11 hour time difference.
Brandy Breth: Ah, yes.
Stephanie Schroeder: Her first week home, her days and nights were [00:49:00] switched. Right? She wanted to sleep all day and play all night.
Brandy Breth: Sounds like my twenties. Were you on maternity leave already? Obviously cuz you spent that time traveling or how did that?
Stephanie Schroeder: So here's another little lovely tidbit of the difference when you adopt , most companies at least then mine included, do not provide maternity leave if you don't give birth. Cuz they say maternity leave is for like the medical recovery from giving birth. They're like, it's disability, you're not disabled. Cause you didn't give birth.
Brandy Breth: That's why I asked, because I'm, Yeah,
Flo Speakman: That's, that's not true anymore though, is it?
So the state of California now has a law that men and women can take advantage of, and that was in place then too. You have to give the person some time off, but most companies will pay you full salary if you're on maternity [00:50:00] leave. But if you're taking that family leave that the State of California gives you, you get the family leave that they give you, like they have to give you the time off, but you only get that state stipend. You don't get your salary. Right. You just get that state stipend of like, you know, nothing like, like I'm, I can't live on that, you know? So,
Brandy Breth: And, and that's California. Yeah. Yeah. Like can you imagine other states, right?
Flo Speakman: Yeah. It's insane. Mm-hmm. ,
Stephanie Schroeder: you remember arguing with the head of HR about it and she said, Yeah, I know. It was the same thing when I adopted my kids on a Friday and went back to work on Monday. I'm like, Right, but was that right? Like that wasn't right. She's like, Well, I used my vacation time. I'm like, Yeah, but it's also not right. Also not right. And I was seriously, I'm gonna like, I'm gonna make noise about this.
And then my boss, God, love her, found a workaround. She said, You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna say that you're working from home for the next 12 weeks.
Brandy Breth: Wow.
Stephanie Schroeder: And we found a consultant who could come in and help, while I'm gone [00:51:00] and charge her off to shows. And don't even apply for the family leave thing. Like, you're gonna work from home That's how we did.
Brandy Breth: Has it changed since then?
Stephanie Schroeder: I don't think so.
Brandy Breth: Hmm. Okay. That's another episode to put on my notes.
Flo Speakman: Yeah. FLMA. It's it's the Family Medical Leave Act, right?
Brandy Breth: And that's the conversation like we're having, you know, that we always wanna bring up and, you know, in Delivery Diaries is again, the post care for the mommies and daddies. Right. You know, having baby, having child. It's, uh, I mean, you still have sleep deprivation, you're still going through a transformation.
Stephanie Schroeder: There's a human need for this family to have some time together or,
Brandy Breth: Yes.
Stephanie Schroeder: When, when, no matter if the kid is 10 years old
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm
Stephanie Schroeder: or 10 days Mm old.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm
Stephanie Schroeder: or 10 seconds old. They, they need time to integrate into the family.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm
Stephanie Schroeder: and, and that it needs to be honored, period.
Brandy Breth: Yes. was,
So Grace's home and you're bonding and dealing with your home life Have a wonderful boss saying you're working from home.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yes.
Flo Speakman: How are you [00:52:00] feeling and how is Grace settling in? Like how did all of that go for you guys?
So the first week was really all about getting her clock turned around. At night, I would make her stay in her crib. Even though she was wanting to play, I'd keep the room dark. I would be standing over her crib, playing with her. And I would like fall asleep on the side of the crib and she would like hit me in the face, like,
Brandy Breth: Oh yes, yes. Like, what are you trying to do? Wake up, Mommy.
Stephanie Schroeder: We're playing here. And so that was most nights like me sleeping, standing over her crib. And then, during the day I would, um, let her only sleep. I think I would set the alarm, like I'd only let her sleep for like total three hours. Like, well that counts as a nap. But then I would wake her up and like we'd be like playing on her floor and I'd like fall asleep on the floor and she'd like smack me like, Wake up!
So yeah, that was the first week. And then I think we had her first doctor's appoint. the second week.My mom did come to that one, which thank God I was so sleep deprived from her [00:53:00] being switched that I, I don't think I should have driven. So my mom did come to the first doctor's appointment, which was good. Grace came home with, um, Giardia, which is a,
Brandy Breth: What is that?
Stephanie Schroeder: It's, um, it's a, we have it here. It's in water. Like, they'll tell you not to drink the water in certain, camping ground or whatever. You have to boil it so you don't get Giardia. she'd gotten it from contaminated water there, which I mean, their kids die majority all the time here. There's some medication you taking, it goes away.
The doctors there had had, um, said that she had asthma. They had diagnosed her with asthma. When we got here, the pediatrician was like, It's not asthma, it's. It was basically like kennel cough. Like she's been in a room with a bunch of other kids and you know, she's got like a little junk in her throat and she'll be fine.
So she, she did not have asthma, thank goodness, but she did have Giardia, so she had to take some like, really nasty medicine for that. But other than that, she [00:54:00] was like super perfect and healthy. so we just kind of got like into our feeding, sleeping, playing cycle, those first couple of weeks. And, um, yeah, and I had 12 weeks off, so we had a lot of time together, which was fantastic. But the whole time there was like this looming, like, You're gonna have to go back to work, don't forget. had to, you know, figure out childcare, which was very also intimidating. Um, The maternity leave was so wonderful and like idyllic and perfect. It was always awesome to see you with Grace. I mean, I just remember it was just like the, this person is your child. Like, there's never been any, any issue like looking at them and being like, No, that, that, that human is Stephanie's child. There was no question from the very first, like, it was just awesome. so she's like six months old. then you guys got a nanny, right?
Yeah. Like
Flo Speakman: She didn't live with you, but somebody who was there a lot, I remember.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah. Yeah. [00:55:00] originally I'd been dead set on getting into the Warner Brothers, um, childcare center, cuz it's supposed to be amazing, but like, there's like this long wait list, so we weren't gonna get in. And it's funny, like, even though I was dead set on that, like, it ended up being that hiring a nanny was so much better for us. Claudia comes into our life and she's so amazing. She and her husband are immigrants from El Salvador. They have been trying really hard to have a baby and, and had not been able to conceive. And so I feel like there was this double gift that the working as a nanny gave her some of what she wasn't getting from not having her own children. And so it was like a, almost like a, like this great gift to her that she had a baby to take care of during the day. And it was a great gift to me to have this like amazing loving, you know, like it turned from being a negative of like, I have to leave my child every day to be like, although if you have to leave your child to leave her with this woman who's has this loving sweet
Brandy Breth: mm-hmm
Stephanie Schroeder: [00:56:00] caring, um, way about her. We were so, so blessed to have her. Grace loved her. I loved her. We were just, we were really, really lucky to find her.
So from then till now, Grace growing up, like anything as far as, um, questions or identity, like does, is she connected to her Ethiopian heritage and culture?
Stephanie Schroeder: I mean, I feel like I, what I should maybe first say is, I, I've kind of glossed over like, you know, this being, like becoming an interracial family. Um, I, it is something that I took very seriously. Like I know that, being like the only black person in your family could feel very isolating. And so I really gave that a lot of serious thought. Um, there would be things that she was gonna face in this culture that I don't face as a white woman.
That could, could feel kind of isolating. So, I did take that really seriously and ultimately decided that I still felt like I could be like a good parent for her. Um, but it was something that I [00:57:00] was really conscious of. And I think like a lot of, there are definitely parents who are like, Oh, it makes no difference. I'm like, No, I think it, my mom would say it doesn't make any difference. And I'm like, It really does make a difference, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. But it does make a difference. And, but I was really like, um, concerned about being able to do her hair because, you know,
Flo Speakman: I remember that, I remember you talking about that.
I wanted to earn the black community's respect for me to like, have, be raising a black girl. Like I'm taking this seriously. And so I always wanted her to leave the house with her hair, like really nicely done. So I could like show that like I was respecting, you know, what it means to raise black child mm-hmm. And so, um, I was really nervous that I wouldn't be good at it. And I remember this one, black friend of mine telling me, you know, Stephanie my mom has textured hair and she's terrible at doing hair, so I don't know why you think like, the fact that every textured hair means you will or won't be good at it.
Stephanie Schroeder: So like, and I'm like, Yeah, I'm like really good at braiding. I used to always French braid my friend's hair. So it's like that one [00:58:00] moment unleashed, like, why do you think that you can't be good at it just because you weren't raised with it? So that freed me and I was like, Yeah, I am gonna be good at it.
Brandy Breth: Mm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And you know, you're, your child comes with like a little bitty head of hair, so you get to kind of learn little by little like how to do it. And so that was like something that was actually really daunting. And I actually met another, um, mom who adopted, um, a black daughter through a babysitter who was like, and that mom was like, kind of freaked out about hair and she. I'm gonna introduce you to this other mom who was freaked out and she's gonna you know Yeah. Make you feel better. Um,
so many resources and so many people that wanna help, Part of the, part of the journey. I kind of let her lead in terms of what mm-hmm. what she wanted to know about her family's situation. a lot of people like put like a picture of the, a birth mom in their, in their room when they're babies and talk about it the whole way. That didn't feel right for me. So I was basically waiting for her to ask the questions. she'd notice like, um, you know, I [00:59:00] remember her saying your skin's like oatmeal. That's right. My skin's like oatmeal and your skin's like chocolate. Yeah. You know, like,
Brandy Breth: That's so cute.
I remember telling her she was adopted, but I don't think she knew what it meant, you know? So like, there was just like a, like a, an understanding kind of evolved as she was aware of the questions. And I remember being, there was like one final bit of the puzzle. The fact that she was adopted. she knew that I didn't get pregnant. She knew that she didn't grow in my belly. She knew that that's what it meant to be adopted. She knew that she was born in Ethiopia. Now there's something else to that, like to be born. Okay. Like, and I was waiting for her to kind of wanna come around to like, well, how was I born then?
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And she didn't want to. She's a really smart girl. She didn't want to come around to that for a long time.
Brandy Breth: Mm. About how old was she at this time when you were having these conversations. About
Stephanie Schroeder: she was four by the time she finally.
Brandy Breth: Oh four. I'm thinking like six [01:00:00] or eight. Oh my gosh.
Stephanie Schroeder: She's so smart. And so I, It was clear that
Brandy Breth: of course. Yeah. That is great.
Stephanie Schroeder: She was avoiding that question because the, I felt like she understood quantum physics by that point. You know, like she was asking so many
Brandy Breth: Yes.
Stephanie Schroeder: World. And this is like the one totally, She's not driving all the way home.
Brandy Breth: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Schroeder: And I remember there being like one day where she was dancing around the issue so much she kind of wanted to ask, but she didn't wanna ask.
Brandy Breth: Mm.
so I was like, Listen, I, I wanna explain to you what this means. She was four. And um, so I told her, you know, like, you know, you, you know, you didn't, you weren't born out of my belly, but you, there was a lady in Ethiopian and I told her like, You were born out of her belly. And, and she was just like, like kind of like staring off into space and kind of crying. And she said, I don't ever wanna talk about this again. I said, ok, what if you ever do, you know, you'll let me know. And it was [01:01:00] probably another year or two before she brought it up again. And so I just took her lead. And at that point, I think she asked me, she started asking me questions about her. I said, Do, and do you have a picture of her? I said, Yeah, do you wanna see her? You know, so she's probably five or six. And I remember she was in the bathtub when I like brought my computer and like showed her the picture. And so we did it slowly, like as she was ready.
Flo Speakman: That's awesome.
Stephanie Schroeder: Yeah,
Brandy Breth: I think that's great advice for listeners and our viewers in that process in that step, cuz you know, people might have questions on how to go about it.
Flo Speakman: Mm-hmm.
Brandy Breth: To take the child's lead.
So I don't remember ever having to like explain why she didn't have a dad. She just didn't have a dad and that was something that she accepted and didn't have more questions about when she was in preschool. Um, uh, kind of just an amazing preschool, but it was kind of a new teacher. Was questioning her, like, you know, like they were doing something of like, you know, with my mommy, this is what about your [01:02:00] daddy? And she said, I don't have a dad. She's like, Well of course you have a dad. Everybody has a dad. And it's like, I don't have a dad. Which is really weird cause there was some same sex families at this.
Brandy Breth: Yeah. And this day and age of
Stephanie Schroeder: day and age, it was just so bizarre.
Brandy Breth: Teacher, come on.
Stephanie Schroeder: Well fortunately Grace came home and shared this with me. So I went in the next day and I was like, What are you doing? Like she doesn't have a dad. Of course she has a dad. Everyone has a dad. I'm like, Are you talking about the fact that you need a sperm egg to create a human embryo? Because that's not what she understands the question to be, that's a different situation to having a dad, which she does not have. And so I was really, that's the only time that in her whole life so far, that I had like a run in with someone who was like, like what? Yeah. .
Brandy Breth: Did that dawn on you eventually that was gonna happen? Or
Stephanie Schroeder: a question or was that just like, you know,
Brandy Breth: I mean kind of put that to the shop books you shelved [01:03:00] at and you're like, okay, well that comes up.
Stephanie Schroeder: Maybe cuz we live in LA and the neighborhood that we lived in, I kind of did not expect much. You know, like you hear all of these crazy stories, you know, where people don't, you know, match their kids racially or you know, like you hear all these crazy stories. Yeah. But I sort of didn't expect it and as slow said you like, this was my kid and it was just so obvious that like, I just never ran into much confusion from people on that, you know, anywhere.
Occasionally. Now it's interesting that she's older, the starting when she was about 12, when we travel, people can't figure out like why like, Oh, wait, you guys are together. Yeah, we're together here. You know, like, Yeah. Yeah. I think now that she's older, but when I was caring for her, she was like an extension of me. Now she walks around like a person in the world, so it's less easy to tell that we're [01:04:00] to,
Brandy Breth: you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I, I'm half black and half Filipino, and I have a white stepfather for over 34 years. So when we're out together, it's just like, uh, you know, like for us it's like normal and we're kind of like, have to manage other people's reactions. We're like, , that's your, Yeah. You're like, it's, you know,
Stephanie Schroeder: And I'm seeing that now that she's older and she's more autonomous, you wouldn't necessarily be able to figure out what our relationship was. But when she's young, obvious what our relationship was that people didn't, didn't really, you know, need to ask.
How is Gracie now? I mean, I actually can imagine how she is now, you know, a very strong 15 year old, confident, but you let us know. Like, what is she like?
One of the things that I think I personally think is a, maybe a result of more early childhood experience is I've never met a more empathetic person. And I think that even though she doesn't consciously remember having, [01:05:00] you know, been with a birth mom and then being in this place, and then being in this place, and then being in this place, her, early days were, were rocky, right? Like, she didn't have a steady attachment figure in the first six months of her life.
Stephanie Schroeder: And I feel like that maybe makes her not take things for granted as much and that she can see other people's point of view. Like, she's really mad at me that I didn't take homeless people home with us. She's like, Well, he needs to place sleep mommy. He could come sleep you room in your bed. Like, like she was really, and it has always been really incredibly empathetic and, can take the point of view of other people.
And I, I, I'm having trouble verbalizing, but in some way I feel like that's from having a little bit of, of, insecurity in her early days that she kind of can feel what that feels like maybe. I dunno. But yeah, she's incredibly empathetic. She's really super, super smart. she's a dancer, she's a ballet dancer, she has a [01:06:00] very challenging school curriculum as a sophomore, and then she dances six days a week, three hours a day during the week, and like seven hours on Saturday.
Brandy Breth: Wow. That's wonderful.
She's just this like, beautiful, tall and gorgeous and amazing I hope we get to see her dance someday because we haven't had that opportunity yet.
Her name really suits her.
Do you have any other advice you'd like to give to our listeners and viewers inside of adoption Or being a mom who has that experience? Is there any last thing you'd like to share?
I remember somebody telling me before I was making the final decision, it's okay to just go with your gut, you know? Cause I think I was really trying to find justification for what my gut was telling me was the right place for me, the right way for me to adopt. And I would say that know what feels right to you. And don't be afraid. Don't second guess that. You know, like, go ahead and do what feels right to [01:07:00] you. And I mean, that could be you wanna do artificial insemination, really. Or that could be that, you know, you wanna go to the foster care system or you wanna get, like, whatever feels right to you in your gut is probably the right thing for you.
Flo Speakman: That's awesome. I like that
Stephanie Schroeder: Also
Flo Speakman: mm-hmm.
in terms of being a single mom, people always think it's like so daunting or whatever. I think it's kind of like the advice you'd give to someone if they wanna be an actor, do it if you absolutely have to. Because if you absolutely have to, you'll never regret it.
People talk about how hard it is. I don't think it's hard at all. I don't think it's hard at all. I think it's the most joyous. I'm so grateful that I have this opportunity to be a mom. If that's how you feel, if you feel like this is the thing that you want, don't be afraid to do it. Cause it's not hard. It's if that's what you want. It's anything but hard.
Flo Speakman: That's awesome.
Brandy Breth: That's, yeah, that's really, um, that's very empowering to hear that and what's possible.[01:08:00] You are our first guest to kick off National Adoption Month, and thank you for sharing your experience in just your journey with Grace.
Yeah. So, I mean it's Grace was delivered to you, I think, personally by Divine Intervention.
We wanna say thank you for sharing your Delivery Diary. It's amazing and you're an amazing person and I'm really glad we got the opportunity to reconnect. Cause I just. I just love you so much. Ugh. All right. There's never a time we don't have tissues on this show. I know, right? Like I know.
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